“Australia’s Greatest Plonker”. What a debauched game, and what a state we ended up in at The Fiddleback last time. Based very loosely on some TV show, we had to individually act out ways to lose our respect in The Fiddleback but not get kicked out. Bazz won narrowly from PCH, but I think it was a case of home-ground advantage.
PCH had the shits so he then explained his next new game – “Celebrity Plonker”, in which we had to act out our favourite celebrity plonker who stumbled upon The Fiddleback. We were all too pissed and were stumbling over each other, falling off the front veranda and generally lowering the tone of the neighbourhood until Irena rolled us out to our cars, which drove us home.
Because Denise said that no filthy drunkards are to come to her place next weekend, (thus no story for me) I thought I would offer you a complete list of programs I designed for my VinoChannel instead.
THE W.T. vinoCHANNEL
C.S.I. : Bottleshop Investigation - crime
*CSI – Cabernet Sauvignon Investigators
WHAT TO DO ABOUT BRIAN McGUIGAN - soap
THE EINSTEIN TRACTOR – vino inventions
AUSTRALIA’S GOT DICKHEADS – talent show
UGLY TITTY – comedy with serious highlights
100 TO 1 THAT PLONK IS SHIT – game show
THANK GOD YOU’RE NOT HERE – bar sports
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A BOTTLE - documentary
CELLAR STORY – real life documentary
MEDIA WITCH – informative, back-stabbing
DESPERATE DRINKERS - comedy
M*E*R*L*O*T – drama/comedy set in the 50s
WT’S WINERY FEUD – reality, around the wineries
CURRENT AFFAIRS – investigative /social/ bitchy
GUTHY-WANKER – what not to buy
WHAT’S BAD FOR YOU – science panel
THE OPERA WINE FRY SHOW - music, wine, food
READY, STEADY, DRINK – reality contest
THE BOLD AND THE BRASSY – yank soap crap
DEAL OR RACK OFF – interactive game show
VINEYARD CORRESPONDANT – Currant Affairs
DRINKING WITH THE STARS – reality, contest
NO SAINTS – drama set in a vineyard/winery
Vitn3rs – scifi set in a vineyard/winery
GLOBAL PILLAGE – Wine globalisation
OUTASIGHT – vintage travelling overseas
SLICKS AND SLUTS – reality music/style quiz
3 CORNERS – vinogroggy investigations
HOME AND FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE - soap
SCU : Shiraz Chardonnay Unit - vinocrime
CELLAR BREAK – drama at vintage
VINEYARD MAKEOVER – lifestyle, reality
CASELLA’S BACK YARD – lifestyle, unreality
COLD CASE OF LAGER – about dead marines
WINELINE – wine news and views
A FORK IN THE HAND – cooking for the cellar
BONED – celebrity dump show
TOTALLY CRAP – investigative travel
INSPECTOR FUX – a dog of a crime series
TODAY, TODAY – Current Affairs about the traps
LASTNIGHT, TODAY – hangover stories
BETTER BARS AND CELLARS – lifestyle, reality
VIN BUSTERS – dispelling wine myths
s s s
I sneaked into Badger’s Pen and Stage Bar where PCH and I discussed our current crop of politicians and the style of wine each would represent:
John Howard – a stale Spumante
Kevin Rudderless – Rosé
Peter Costello – an Unsavvy Blank
Bob Brown – an alcohol free Moselle
Morris Iemma – a mass-produced Chianti
J Della Bosca – big, loud, jammy Shiraz from a poor vintage
Kojak Costa – a Lambrusco-Bastardo blend presented as a Nebbiolo
George Bush – a half-bottle of Muscadelle Dessert wine that nobody wants to finish, but is afraid to throw out
Brendan Nelson – an unproven new Pinot Noir clone
Belinda Neal – an explosive, fruity flagon of vintage Port
We then examined the top-shelf collection but decided no politician could be likened to a malt whisky. My attention was drawn to an article that described some research whereby a dress that could envelop a body was “grown” using the bacterial skin growing on “off” red wine. We spent a few glasses of malt discussing the possibilities, but decided we should not tell Bazz. This may be revisited.
Screwcap failure was mentioned as well. As no air enters the bottle some sulphi-disation may occur – you can smell it. If you notice it, pour the wine from bottle to decanter a number of times until the pong goes. Just don’t tell anyone you did it.
However, there will be more frivolity when back in the Cellar, PCH promises.
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