The Wine Traveller interviews - VADER and the Repeter
VADER: I hear strains of a familiar scowl floating in the air, good evening Mr Costello, is Mr Abbott here too?
Costello: No he is not, good evening.
VADER: What a shame, I’m sure all our listeners would have enjoyed a dose of the old Abbott and Costello humour.
Costello: I don’t think we came across as humorous, besides, our function was not to be funny.
VADER: So Lou, sorry – Peter, what was your function?
Costello: Diligence, responsibility and fulfilling our role in the parliament as representatives of the people.
VADER: Honourable words, but a little idealistic perhaps?
Costello: I would say pragmatistic, Vader.
VADER: What does that mean?
Costello: Ah, it’s just slipped my mind, but definitely not idealistic – not like the current government pansies.
VADER: Just what do you think of Mr Rudd and his team?
Costello: I wouldn’t call them a team.
VADER: Why not?
Costello: Being in a team means each member has his own job to do, and he does it to allow the team to function. This mob is just playing follow the leader.
VADER: Talking of leaders, Mr Costello, do you still have leadership ambitions, or are you thinking of retirement?
Costello: I’m not retiring, I can assure you of that!
VADER: We all know that you are not a retiring sort of person, but you’re not pissing off and leaving us for industry?
Costello: Not in the foreseeable future, not for some time.
VADER: So you may well go.
Costello: We’ve all got to go at some time. In the fullness...
VADER: ... of time. So if you are going to hang around for a while, are you going to earn you money and do something, or just sit up the back with a smirk and do crosswords?
Costello: I don’t like crosswords, I don’t have the patience for them.
VADER: So you like getting on with things?
Costello: Yes I do.
VADER: Like getting on with the leadership – being a repete, Pete?
Costello: That sounds like being second hand - being recycled like a retread.
VADER: I never thought of you as a retread Mr Costello, though a retread does just a good a job as a new one.
Costello: Bloody oath, I’d like to push young Wayne’s nose into the bitumen of a long, hard financial policy and count his blow-outs!
VADER: You could really do a good job on him if you were leader, eh?
Costello: Bloody oath mate!
VADER: So you want to be the leader?
Costello: I’d be a fantastic leader, but they gave that bastard Brendan the job. Couldn’t handle the pressure of being a doctor and he ends up on the front bench with a swish new hairdo.
VADER: So what did you start out as?
Costello: A lawyer, but I didn’t like it. You must really like a job to do it well.
VADER: So, do you like being a backbencher?
Costello: No, it’s a shit of a job. No perks there mate.
VADER: So, you could handle being the leader of the opposition?
Costello: Sweet, but only for a short time, because I want the big job.
VADER: What – Prime Minister?
Costello: Bloody hell no, no money there, mate. I mean the Governor!
VADER: The Governor General?
Costello: Stuff no, the Governor of the Reserve Bank.
VADER: So politics are out of the question?
Costello: No, I’d still be playing politics, number politics – that’s where the money is.
VADER: So you are in it for the money?
Costello: Why not, who isn’t, and the way Kevvie and Wayne are going, my super won’t be worth shit. Politicians come and they go, but banks go on forever.
VADER: And you can write a book.
Costello: Mate, I’ve got heaps of books in my head.
VADER: Yeh, what kind?
Costello: Financial Planning; ah, History; ahmm, a fantasy tale or two – and I’m working on one about how to undo personal relationships - should syndicate that to the magazines. I’ve got so much zinging around in my head.
VADER: It’s been zinging about for a few years, hasn’t it?
Costello: Yeh, from when I was elected.
VADER: And you find it hard to make friends?
Costello: Yes, I do, doctor.
VADER: And you’ve been misunderstood?
Costello: Oohh, yes, sob, always.
VADER: And delusional, egotistical and transparent?
Costello: I’m afraid so.
VADER: Two-faced and overbearing?
Costello: Them too.
VADER: Skilled in back-stabbing and lying?
Costello: Very skilled, I’ve had good teachers.
VADER: And you’ve always put up this outward veneer of toughness and aloofness in order to cope.
Costello: Oh yes, Doctor, you have it! But, Vader, I’m really a likeable bastard.
VADER: So, you indeed have all the attributes of a good leader.
Costello: I have them all, Vader.
VADER: And you will have a go at the leadership?
Costello: Oh yeh, might as well, nothing else on the horizon at the moment, and it’ll nudge up the super, eh?
VADER: We’re out of time, so thank you Mr Costello.
Costello: It’s been a great pleasure, Vader. By the way, do you know of any Chairmanships or CEOs that are up for grabs? Ah, Vader? Hey, who turned the bloody lights off? Has bloody Morris privatised it already? Shit, …
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