The Wine Traveller interviews - VADER AND JOURNALISTS & OTHER CRAP

  Vader: Good evening and welcome to an election interview. Tonight I will be talking to a number of respected and well-known journalists. My first guest is Kerry O’Brien, quite well-known as Inquisition-Man from the 7:30 Report. Good evening Kerry, welcome to the series of The Wine Traveller Interviews.

  Kerry: Good evening, ah who are you? Remind me.

  Vader: A former excellent tax-paying worker of this great country.

  Kerry: Just an ordinary person, then?

  Vader: Worse than that, Kerry, a former worker who has retired.

  Kerry: Oh a pensioner. The Labor party likes pensioners, carry on, is this community radio or something?

  Vader: I’m sorry I must disappoint you and the party, Kerry, but I’m a self-funded superannuant.

  Kerry: Oh, one of them. Where’s your grey hair? I suppose your caravan is parked out the back – you’re a baby boomer I suppose.

  Vader: Must be, Kerry – I’ve worked and paid taxes, paid private health insurance and super payments for 40 years, so I guess I’m  rather a disadvantaged person under any government.

  Kerry: Well, you obviously chose your career. Can we get on with the questions? If you have any.

  Vader: How do you cope with allegations of Labor bias in your programming and questioning on the ABC?

  Kerry: Easily. Do you have another question, grandad?

  Vader: Pa actually? So, Kerry, you have actually held down a proper job, sometime?

  Kerry: Yes, I’ve been a journalist, ..

  Vader: Don’t tell me, .. for years. And a fed. Rep?

  Kerry: Yes, and no.

  Vader: Make your mind up, Kerry.

  Kerry: You can call me Mr O’Brien, and get your research right.

  Vader: Oh, the spin, I’m sorry, I don’t do that. What are your economic qualifications, actually – Mr O’Brien?

  Kerry: What’s that got to do with things? Hey, where’s your list of supplied questions?

  Vader: Don’t do that either, Mr O’Brien. Are you qualified in political science or any of the social sciences?

  Kerry: I’m not going to answer that.

  Vader: That must be a new experience for you. So you can’t, or won’t answer anything about your qualifications that would fit your job description?

  Kerry: No. Bugger off you old prick.

  Vader: But you can ask anyone on National TV anything, and with no experience in the subject, get away with it?   Kerry: Of course, I’m a journalist.   Vader: Well thank you for a complete load of shit Mr O’Brien, whoever you are at any one time. Go on, piss off, I’ve got another shit-load of crap to sit in that chair.  (fade, music) Thank you, my next guest is Ben Dark, hello Ben!

  Ben: Yehhh, thanks mate, glad to be here, dunno why, hhahaahaaa.

  Vader: I don’t know either, but you are here, and you are well known for your repartee with your fellow presenters.

  Ben: YEh?

  Vader: I hear that you are a real team player, and have the cognitive experience to adapt to any situation or any person, is that right?

  Ben: YEh, what?

  Vader: I hear that you are being nominated for best supporting role in a farce in the Logies.

  Ben: Yeh? Great.

  Vader: Thank you Ben, as a man of a few good words and a witty reply, piss off, we’ll keep you in the dark about a return interview, haahaahaa. (fade, music) My next guest used to be a prominent political reporter on channel 9 for many years. Some of us thought he had retired to Bali, or somewhere just as shit, but here he is, the king of the worm, .. ah, sorry-

  Ray: Hi, I’m Ray, and I’ve done a lot more interviews than you, matey.

  Vader: Hi Ray, I’m Matey, what’s your second, or third name, you know, your important family name?

  Ray: Martin.

  Vader: is it? Bugger, I thought it was something different, a long time ago. Anyway, let’s bury that and talk about your little worm. Did you get the idea from the RTA ads?

  Ray: No, you little man, I was going to explain the importance of media freedom and responsibility, but I don’t think I will.

  Vader: Like you used to do, I won’t either – thank you Mr Ray Somebody! (fade, music) Boy, we’re playing a lot of music on this program. Say, have we got any Silverchair we can play? Right, my next guest is The Phantom! (cheers) Not the comic book hero, but the independent, factual-reporting, trained, experienced political reporter who is capable of reporting on this important election. Hullo, you are …

  TSM: I am the silent majority.

  Vader: What? Do you take me for a dickhead? My mother told me there was no such thing. We only believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth fairy. So piss off whoever you are. Bloody students, probably. (fade, music)  And so the curtain closes on another night in this great democracy that we like to bleed and disgrace in all our little ways. See you sucker.

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