The Wine Traveller interviews - VADER AND LEGENDS & WANNABES
Vader: Here we are again at the great Journo Injunction. I’m setting out to find out just what do these peddlers know. (music – The Rogue Traders) My next guest is Antony Green, who is often seen, on every screen, at election teen (well it rhymes). Welcome Antony, I hope your graphs speak better than my poetry.
Antony: My graphs rely on figures.
Vader: So, figures are better than the heart.
Antony: In constructing graphs, yes.
Vader: But what if you did a heart-shaped graph instead of a line graph? Could you factor in a heart-felt compassion element?
Antony: No, we only rely on voting data.
Vader: But surely people vote with their hearts and passion - VOTE OUT THE BASTARD!!!! LABOR SUCKS! Don’t you take into account passion?
Antony: No, sorry.
Vader: What about the difference between a pie graph and a 5th column graph?
Antony: What do you mean?
Vader: Well, in South Sydney a pie graph would be very popular. A 5th column graph would be good for Punchbowl. How about a picture graph for the Gold Coast? What do you think?
Antony: I don’t think the form of a graph would matter – it’s the data that is represented that is important – you can’t change that.
Vader: So you are saying that all those Labor supporters handing out pies in South Sydney are wasting their time?
Antony: Well I couldn’t say that.
Vader: So none of your graphs could be really accurate, thank you Antony,
Antony: I couldn’t say that!
Vader: Neither could I. Thank you Tony. (music – how about Careless Heart by Roy Orbison?)
See ya Tone. My next guest is a perennial and annual favourite, Peter Cundall.
Peter: Thank you Vader, it’s a pleasure to be here.
Vader: Boy, that’s a change. What can you say about the flowers that have offered themselves for the big flower show that we call an election?
Peter: Well, I am afraid to say that some will survive and some will become tomorrow’s compost. But we shouldn’t worry about that.
Vader: Yeh, well, I was going to ask..
Peter: You see the compost will rot down and become part of the next harvest.
Vader: Oh no, couldn’t we get rid of some of them permanently?
Peter: Easy, see these pruners and Roundup! Do you want me to demonstrate?
Vader: No thanks Pete, we get the idea. But what about the election in general?
Peter: We do have the perennials of course, and some of them have gone to seed.
Vader: Yeh?
Peter: Get rid of them. Pull them out and put them in the green bin. There’s also some exotics to watch out for, and a lot of weeds at this time of year. Not many natives in this garden I’ve noticed. But a lot of grafts and introduced species. You’d better be careful of them.
Vader: Any other advice Pete?
Pete: Well, as I always say – select a good specimen, feed it lots of blood and bone and cowshit; water it every day, and watch it go. And it breaks y heart to tell you.
Vader: Thanks Pete. Great advice, and that’s your bloomin’ lot. (music – There Goes A Hero)
You know, I really tried to get a female on this program, but they all gave me the shits. They were all too worried about their appearance in the social pages, Sleeping with the Stars, etc. So I decided to give Maxine McKew a ring. Hello Maxine.
Maxine: Hello, how are you. Who am I speaking to?
Vader: My name is Vader, and I am a voter in the Federal Election, and I am speaking to you as a former journalist, as well as a candidate.
Maxine: Did you say your name is Vader ?
Vader: That’s what I said.
Maxine: Is this a joke? I have seen all the Star Wars movies.
Vader: It is not a joke that I am voting in this election. Why should I vote for a former ABC journalist?
Maxine: Why should I listen to a Star Wars wacko? How did you get my number?
Vader: Do you have the experience and knowledge to represent us Maxine?
Maxine: Hoo, hoo, ooo, Vader from the darkness, do you want me to go there? Get real.
Vader: Is that where you want to take the nation? Is that real? What’s in a name? So what are your thoughts on the pensioner self-sufficiency sex-aid program?
Maxine: Ah piss off.
Vader: And the same to you Maxine, as I sign off from this national telecast from the nation’s capital, the All Hallaj Mosque, Camperdown. (music – some Moslem stuff) I think I’ll take a toilet break, then come back to my next guest, a guy who has been on Channel 9 news for centuries, what’s his bloody name? (music – Just a Song before I Go) Hi, hello, how are you going Brian?
He: I’m not Brian.
Vader: I’m sorry, Rove, welcome to our depression. Are you a journalist?
He: I’m not Rove, I’m much taller. Who are you anyway? (music – Nowhere Man)
Vader: I’m stuffed, just like everything else, let’s get pissed buddy. Eh, what?
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