The Wine Traveller interviews - VADER ON THE RADIO
Vader: I’m sorry folks, but I’ve been banned from the TV. It’s no big deal, because you know who owns it and who actually watches the crap on it. But, radio, it’s listened to all day to people who want to be talked to and stirred. No one seems to worry about music unless you are a minor. So I grabbed the opportunity to broaden my stir.
Vader on WTVFM: Oh yes, that was Snow Patrol with “Eyes Open”. I wish that my fellow voters will have their eyes open in the coming weeks when they see our dearly beloved pollies espousing their spin. Oh, I do have a caller. Hello there.
Caller: Oh hi.
Vader: Well, hi back. Who are you?
Caller: I’m Janise, and I have my eyes open in this election.
Vader: Good for you Janise, that means you can put the cross in the right box, can’t you? Ohh, bye bye enjoy the 24th. What were the Snowies thinking ? Hello, welcome to hard time radio.
Caller: Who are you?
Vader: Vader, my vanity, who are you?
Caller: Eh?
Vader: Get an identity man, then call in. This is pretty boring, but, I have someone, hello.
Caller: You don’t seem to have much compassion, do you?
Vader: I do actually, unknown person. Who are you?
Caller: I am your first caller – and I might be your last, the way you go on.
Vader: Oh, hi Janice, great to have you back, are your eyes any wider open?
Caller: Yes to radio crap like you.
Vader: Thank you so much. I’ve been saying the same for years. Where do they get these radio-wankers from? Why do we have to listen to their shit all the time? What do you reckon?
Caller: Well, yes, um, yeh.
Vader: Thank you darling, you must be a babe. Hey, do you think politicians should be allowed to have sex?
Caller: Well, ha ha, they are people, aren’t they?
Vader: Are they, I’ll be stuffed. OK, let’s hope an another educated, fair dinkum punter calls to debate the election. Here we go - hullo and hi and welcome to Vader On Call.
Caller: Hullo, I think ..
Vader: Hulllooo, a lady by the sound of you. Who are we talking to?
Caller: I don’t think it should matter, I …
Vader: I think I know that voice.
Caller: You probably should, if you are a professional.
Vader: Oh, I am. I recognise that whiney character; the overbearing nature.
Caller: Don’t get too smart.
Vader: Oh, I wish, but, do you have shortish orangey hair at the moment?
Caller: Well, actually, ha ha ,,
Vader: You do, and you’ve been a bit shy of late? Not up where you want to be?
Caller: Well, yes.
Vader: Were you on Australian Idol?
Caller: No. Why should I want to go on a popularity contest?
Vader: So, you’ve lost out lately?
Caller: Yes.
Vader: Isn’t it a bastard when the boss will not want to listen to you, and he hogs the limelight, and you have to stand behind his smiling, froggie face.
Caller: It is very frustrating and you would think he would at least have one female spokesperson in front of the electorate. I hate his supercilious smile, the bastard.
Vader: Well, hello Julia, how are you when you have the shits?
Caller: Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Vader: Bugger. She hung up. Then I guess she’s hung up on a lot of things lately. Hullo.
Caller: Gees you’re a bastard.
Vader: Hi you must know me. I hope you can tone down the language, you arsehole prick. You are not Kevin, are you?
Caller: No,
Vader: Peter?
Caller: No!?
Vader: Brendan? Wayne? Bob? Belinda?
Caller: No.
Vader: Sorry, piss off, I only have a restricted clientele on my show. Let’s have a song from “Queen” and then I’ll try to trawl a few decent respondents. What is happening, Australia?
Caller: I’d like to say you are doing a great job, Vader.
Vader: Bugger me, Allan Jones on my program. Thank you.
Caller: I’m not Allan Jones!
Vader: You’re not a caller from Christ?
Caller: No. Just an ordinary person, I just want to tell you my point of view, if I can.
Vader: Thank you mate, an ordinary person with a point of view - I’ll play “Up Where We Belong” while we talk, and I’ll play it all back later. Kev and John, it’s great to be “ordinary”, besides, we are the tax base for youse to act out your fantasies.
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